Today is my one-year anniversary of marriage to my Tim.
We met, as you know, online.
Our first date was at a friend's party. I met up with him at the local Kroger market as a neutral spot to get a feel for him. Then we went to my friend's house. After a few minutes of newness I sat next to him on the couch and we started talking. Before long, his arm was around me and I didn't mind. You must understand about me that I am not comfortable with much spontaneous physical affection. I am better at it than I was, but I am still awkward with most touch coming from any other than the very closest of friends. I don't come from huggers--and usually I only got hugs when I was crying, and most of the time not even then. So when he put his arm around me and I felt ok, even comfortable, that was something amazing. The night wore on. Eventually we kissed, even though it was accidental, on my part. Not on his--he wanted to kiss me, a lot. He was hoping for the opportunity. Not saying that I didn't want to kiss him, but I hadn't even processed that step as a possibility yet. From there we were inseparable, and I couldn't imagine being apart from him now, even after a year of living in the same house, sharing a sink and a shower, and a refrigerator, among other things.
Even your oddest deficits may be made up in a worthwhile relationship. If you know yourself, you can even predict what kind of person you will be attracted to. Tim allows me and invites me to touch him whenever I want--that's something I wanted my whole life. To be allowed and invited to snuggle, hug, caress, scratch an itch, massage a knotted muscle--that is heaven to me. We need our time alone, away from even each other, for sure, but he doesn't ever turn away a hug, kiss, or touch. I am always welcome to reach for him, even if it is just for a moment.
I never knew, when I was single and searching for love, how much that meant to me. I knew I wanted someone to touch me--but I was wrong. I wanted someone to touch me, but what I really needed was to be allowed to touch someone back, and to have that touch welcomed--not rejected. That meets a very, very old need of mine. Some things really do go back to childhood, back as far as you can remember, and before. It reminds me that children are sensitive little sponges, and makes me even more committed to one day being the kind of parent who teaches my child that I will always welcome hugs, snuggles, and a reassuring hand squeeze or a kiss--in good times and bad, for both tears and joy.
Maybe the answer lies in Attachment Parenting?
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/WhatIsAP.php
I am so grateful to have met my match in someone as sensitive and caring as Tim. Happy 1 year to us, the sickening ones attached at the hip and loving every minute.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
A post for Easter
All of my life I have celebrated Easter, and I will today, sort of.
I will go to dinner and probably exclaim over a child's easter dress.
I won't do like I used to and go to church. I used to go to good friday, too. I've seen the Passion of the Christ twice. This time of year is very important to Christians as the celebration of when the work of the cross--salvation for all from God's wrath--was done. I understand. I've taken easter communion and meditated upon my sins. I've written down my failures and nailed them, with a hammer and nails, to a wooden cross and "left them there with Jesus" to be paid for and destroyed. I've waited for a feeling of peace, a voice, a sense of calm and grace--and sometimes, I've felt it.
So it's not without some thought that I sit this Easter out. I don't believe anymore. That is clear to me as day. Ask me what I do believe and I'll be less clear, but I know this--I no longer pretend to believe in heaven, hell, God's wrath and a need for absolution, and therefore I cannot believe any longer in the story of the act that supposedly balanced the scales, righted the wrong, made the bridge and so forth. I mean, I don't believe it was necessary and so, to celebrate it would be non-sensical...even morbid. It would be disgusting, actually. If it happened, which I don't know anything about. I just know that I stopped believing the Bible was true several years ago, when I learned of it's true origin (which is documented historical fact) and started thinking for myself about it. Faith in Christianity is extremely hard to maintain while you doubt the Bible, but I fought the good fight for a while. I fought to maintain my social network, and my sense of safety--both of which were keeping me down, actually. I fought because I thought it was the right thing to do, but it was very hard. Too hard, actually. It is much too hard to try to believe in something when the source you are to rely on for the story is something you don't trust. Particularly when so much outside of it can be trusted, has been verified and IS true, without having to believe very hard.
You must know this--it was my interest in proving the Bible true which was my downfall. My interest in disproving critics of the Bible led me to study it for myself. I avoided modern Biblical scholars who were mostly non-believers and tried very hard to shore up my store of proofs of Biblical authority and truth through classical theologians and philosophers, but the more I studied the more I could not deny the truth. Centuries ago, a group of men met in a council and voted which books would be in the Bible and which wouldn't. Their criteria were overwhelmingly arbitrary and political. After that, God no longer spoke through people in the written word. You know, after the Vote. God is very accommodating that way. It wasn't what I wanted to see, but I could not forget. I tried. I did. I tried to see the Bible as God's personal epistle to me, to make it easier, but that didn't work either. And when the social network failed on it's own, there was nothing to keep me in the church anymore. I was tired of faking it anyway. So I just stopped going, without really spending a lot of time digging into it. It was just a relief to be honest. If I didn't go to church, I didn't have to lie. Actually, after that, I started to hate lying with such a passion that over time, I avoided it more and more. Now I can't lie convincingly to save my soul, and it keeps my life transparent.
It is very hard to explain this, though, knowing that billions of people now have reason to shun me, kill me, pity me, deride me, pray for me, keep their children from me or avoid running into me at the mall, depending on their ideas of what it means to be a Christian and a non-believer. Billions of people have reason to think I'm going to burn for eternity. Some of those are family members and friends of mine.
But I can't deny it. I can't deny the truth. If it loses me friends, so be it--I cannot lie. So is my declaration--we'll see if I can live up to a life of truth.
I will go to dinner and probably exclaim over a child's easter dress.
I won't do like I used to and go to church. I used to go to good friday, too. I've seen the Passion of the Christ twice. This time of year is very important to Christians as the celebration of when the work of the cross--salvation for all from God's wrath--was done. I understand. I've taken easter communion and meditated upon my sins. I've written down my failures and nailed them, with a hammer and nails, to a wooden cross and "left them there with Jesus" to be paid for and destroyed. I've waited for a feeling of peace, a voice, a sense of calm and grace--and sometimes, I've felt it.
So it's not without some thought that I sit this Easter out. I don't believe anymore. That is clear to me as day. Ask me what I do believe and I'll be less clear, but I know this--I no longer pretend to believe in heaven, hell, God's wrath and a need for absolution, and therefore I cannot believe any longer in the story of the act that supposedly balanced the scales, righted the wrong, made the bridge and so forth. I mean, I don't believe it was necessary and so, to celebrate it would be non-sensical...even morbid. It would be disgusting, actually. If it happened, which I don't know anything about. I just know that I stopped believing the Bible was true several years ago, when I learned of it's true origin (which is documented historical fact) and started thinking for myself about it. Faith in Christianity is extremely hard to maintain while you doubt the Bible, but I fought the good fight for a while. I fought to maintain my social network, and my sense of safety--both of which were keeping me down, actually. I fought because I thought it was the right thing to do, but it was very hard. Too hard, actually. It is much too hard to try to believe in something when the source you are to rely on for the story is something you don't trust. Particularly when so much outside of it can be trusted, has been verified and IS true, without having to believe very hard.
You must know this--it was my interest in proving the Bible true which was my downfall. My interest in disproving critics of the Bible led me to study it for myself. I avoided modern Biblical scholars who were mostly non-believers and tried very hard to shore up my store of proofs of Biblical authority and truth through classical theologians and philosophers, but the more I studied the more I could not deny the truth. Centuries ago, a group of men met in a council and voted which books would be in the Bible and which wouldn't. Their criteria were overwhelmingly arbitrary and political. After that, God no longer spoke through people in the written word. You know, after the Vote. God is very accommodating that way. It wasn't what I wanted to see, but I could not forget. I tried. I did. I tried to see the Bible as God's personal epistle to me, to make it easier, but that didn't work either. And when the social network failed on it's own, there was nothing to keep me in the church anymore. I was tired of faking it anyway. So I just stopped going, without really spending a lot of time digging into it. It was just a relief to be honest. If I didn't go to church, I didn't have to lie. Actually, after that, I started to hate lying with such a passion that over time, I avoided it more and more. Now I can't lie convincingly to save my soul, and it keeps my life transparent.
It is very hard to explain this, though, knowing that billions of people now have reason to shun me, kill me, pity me, deride me, pray for me, keep their children from me or avoid running into me at the mall, depending on their ideas of what it means to be a Christian and a non-believer. Billions of people have reason to think I'm going to burn for eternity. Some of those are family members and friends of mine.
But I can't deny it. I can't deny the truth. If it loses me friends, so be it--I cannot lie. So is my declaration--we'll see if I can live up to a life of truth.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
After a long hiatus
It's been a while since I was here.
See, uh, I have this problem. I guess you could call it my ADD--I have trouble keeping up with more than one stressful thing at a time. On a good day, I can do two or maybe three, but I start to break down after that. Too much to remember, too much to keep track of--I start ignoring, by necessity, the things I can't handle or which aren't essential. Like anything that doesn't involve my job, my husband, or the food and shelter we both rely on. I am not a good multi-tasker. I am good at hyper-focusing on what needs to be done right now, though. So I did.
I bought my house. The whole time, I meant to blog about it. It was, after all, a huge, huge move for me, both personally and financially. I am so grateful for the long, long time I invested in doing the right thing before this, even though it was hard to keep track of my bills and I nearly got derailed by my ex-fiance and our penchant for buying things together which he never intended to pay for. My good credit made the difference in getting the loan I did and buying that house. It paid off. What a relief, actually. For a long time I had wondered when being a good girl was going to get me somewhere.
It was expensive, don't get me wrong. I am now in the red on my balance sheet by more than 100 grand, and thinking about that hurts. I think often about how I need to invest in a retirement plan before it's too late. I think about Roth IRAs and treasury bonds. I admit I am kinda scared to do this. Scared of investing? Yeah. I mean, if my money is in my tiny low-yield savings account, at least I know where it is, right? At least I know where it will be when I wake up tomorrow. That's not an appropriate plan--I know that.
Tim finally got through his probation period on his job and even got a little raise. Having him in my life has made a huge difference. Not for the paycheck, of course, though that helps both of us. We have dramatically bettered our circumstances since we met, mostly by pooling our resources, working together, and being willing to trust each other. That's more work for me than it is for him. I'm not a truster by nature. Having someone who consistently loves me, even if he doesn't always like what I do--that's priceless. For me, knowing that I finally love someone who isn't just sucking that love up and spitting it on the ground is amazing. He's worth it, is what I'm saying. I finally love someone I don't have to hate myself for loving. Anyone who doesn't think this matters is pretty ignorant about the human psyche.
Anyhow, my latest endeavor is this--learn to listen.
It's very basic, I know. I am sure you've all got it mastered.
The gist is this--if I learn to listen to my body, I will feed it and exercise it when I should. I will medicate and baby it when I should. I will test it's limits when I should, and no more than I should so I can stay healthy. I will stop all these things when I should, when my body is done--eating, resting, exercising, being social, whatever. If I listen, that should be the key. (See here for the inspiration) Listening and paying attention are, of course, my weakest areas. Think about it--if you, all your life, listened and listened and tried so hard to pay attention to all the things you were supposed to, and STILL missed half of it, and forgot a good portion of the rest right after you heard it...wouldn't you get discouraged? Wouldn't you learn to cope with that by just not paying attention sometimes? I don't mean consciously, although I have deliberately tuned out before. I mean that the brain gets tired of constantly struggling with something that doesn't pay off. Maybe that doesn't come across the way I mean it. I don't meant that I choose not to pay attention and that's why I am like this. I mean that one came before the other. I mean it's so damn hard to catch what I need to when I need to, and takes so much effort, that I'd honestly rather not. Even if I hate myself later for it. How I cope with the outside world is that I force myself to stop and write things down. I force myself to put things in my calendar right away, even if it's awkward. Otherwise I would be without a job. With me and my body, it is a lot easier to fudge, but I really shouldn't allow that. I need to learn to listen to my body, and pay attention.
Learning to listen to people--of course that's worthwhile. Anyone can see that. I don't need to explain. Listening forces you to stop talking at and forcing yourself on the world and everyone in it. I am not some kind of guru because I understand this, though I can't tell you how many self-help workshops I've seen that try to teach this as if we don't know. Teach me how to make myself do it--now that would be a workshop I'd pay for.
I figured out one reason I love facebook. I love it because I can listen to people without struggling to talk. The statuses scroll down the screen and it is not such an effort to pay attention. Of course, it's a view through a cloudy glass; that's certainly a weakness. I know one thing--if I had to keep up with all the people I like in real life, I would definitely not be able to do it. Debate the pros and cons of that, but facebook lets me pay attention to people at my own pace, and that has helped me to be a better friend. In it's own way, facebook forces me to listen--to whatever it is you're posting. Most people view that as a negative--people can rant on FB without interruption, and sometimes interruption is healthy. I agree, but if you turn it around, it lets people with attention weakness, like me, stay all the way through the performance, so to speak. For better or for worse. It's ok; I'll take the bad with the good.
See, uh, I have this problem. I guess you could call it my ADD--I have trouble keeping up with more than one stressful thing at a time. On a good day, I can do two or maybe three, but I start to break down after that. Too much to remember, too much to keep track of--I start ignoring, by necessity, the things I can't handle or which aren't essential. Like anything that doesn't involve my job, my husband, or the food and shelter we both rely on. I am not a good multi-tasker. I am good at hyper-focusing on what needs to be done right now, though. So I did.
I bought my house. The whole time, I meant to blog about it. It was, after all, a huge, huge move for me, both personally and financially. I am so grateful for the long, long time I invested in doing the right thing before this, even though it was hard to keep track of my bills and I nearly got derailed by my ex-fiance and our penchant for buying things together which he never intended to pay for. My good credit made the difference in getting the loan I did and buying that house. It paid off. What a relief, actually. For a long time I had wondered when being a good girl was going to get me somewhere.
It was expensive, don't get me wrong. I am now in the red on my balance sheet by more than 100 grand, and thinking about that hurts. I think often about how I need to invest in a retirement plan before it's too late. I think about Roth IRAs and treasury bonds. I admit I am kinda scared to do this. Scared of investing? Yeah. I mean, if my money is in my tiny low-yield savings account, at least I know where it is, right? At least I know where it will be when I wake up tomorrow. That's not an appropriate plan--I know that.
Tim finally got through his probation period on his job and even got a little raise. Having him in my life has made a huge difference. Not for the paycheck, of course, though that helps both of us. We have dramatically bettered our circumstances since we met, mostly by pooling our resources, working together, and being willing to trust each other. That's more work for me than it is for him. I'm not a truster by nature. Having someone who consistently loves me, even if he doesn't always like what I do--that's priceless. For me, knowing that I finally love someone who isn't just sucking that love up and spitting it on the ground is amazing. He's worth it, is what I'm saying. I finally love someone I don't have to hate myself for loving. Anyone who doesn't think this matters is pretty ignorant about the human psyche.
Anyhow, my latest endeavor is this--learn to listen.
It's very basic, I know. I am sure you've all got it mastered.
The gist is this--if I learn to listen to my body, I will feed it and exercise it when I should. I will medicate and baby it when I should. I will test it's limits when I should, and no more than I should so I can stay healthy. I will stop all these things when I should, when my body is done--eating, resting, exercising, being social, whatever. If I listen, that should be the key. (See here for the inspiration) Listening and paying attention are, of course, my weakest areas. Think about it--if you, all your life, listened and listened and tried so hard to pay attention to all the things you were supposed to, and STILL missed half of it, and forgot a good portion of the rest right after you heard it...wouldn't you get discouraged? Wouldn't you learn to cope with that by just not paying attention sometimes? I don't mean consciously, although I have deliberately tuned out before. I mean that the brain gets tired of constantly struggling with something that doesn't pay off. Maybe that doesn't come across the way I mean it. I don't meant that I choose not to pay attention and that's why I am like this. I mean that one came before the other. I mean it's so damn hard to catch what I need to when I need to, and takes so much effort, that I'd honestly rather not. Even if I hate myself later for it. How I cope with the outside world is that I force myself to stop and write things down. I force myself to put things in my calendar right away, even if it's awkward. Otherwise I would be without a job. With me and my body, it is a lot easier to fudge, but I really shouldn't allow that. I need to learn to listen to my body, and pay attention.
Learning to listen to people--of course that's worthwhile. Anyone can see that. I don't need to explain. Listening forces you to stop talking at and forcing yourself on the world and everyone in it. I am not some kind of guru because I understand this, though I can't tell you how many self-help workshops I've seen that try to teach this as if we don't know. Teach me how to make myself do it--now that would be a workshop I'd pay for.
I figured out one reason I love facebook. I love it because I can listen to people without struggling to talk. The statuses scroll down the screen and it is not such an effort to pay attention. Of course, it's a view through a cloudy glass; that's certainly a weakness. I know one thing--if I had to keep up with all the people I like in real life, I would definitely not be able to do it. Debate the pros and cons of that, but facebook lets me pay attention to people at my own pace, and that has helped me to be a better friend. In it's own way, facebook forces me to listen--to whatever it is you're posting. Most people view that as a negative--people can rant on FB without interruption, and sometimes interruption is healthy. I agree, but if you turn it around, it lets people with attention weakness, like me, stay all the way through the performance, so to speak. For better or for worse. It's ok; I'll take the bad with the good.
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